Coming to Terms

The last few days have been rough... Anytime I have had the opportunity to stop and be present I have been entirely overwhelmed with the pain of this Earthquake. I don't say sadness, because that isn't quite it. It's definitely more along the lines of pain, an understanding that something is deeply wrong right now with the world. I've been alive for many major tragedies and I have never felt them so acutely- I don't believe that I was naive, nor do I believe I am being dramatic now. When I found out about this event I felt something within me break; this is too much. It felt so obvious that the world is trying to speak to us, to tell us that we've gone too far, taken too much. We've pushed so far ahead over the past century and have forsaken so much of where we came from: our family, our Earth. Last night I finally sat down and had to write, the emotion became too much. I felt the grief of the people, I felt the anger of the Earth, I felt my own personal guilt for having recently been to this place and received so much, uncertain of what I gave back in return (if anything). And so I wrote, honestly:

"Every time I have a moment to stop and be still I am overwhelmed with the pain of Nepal- the pain of the Earth. The mother has spoken- Sagarmatha, Chomolungma- and we need to listen. I don't know if my pain is for the people as much as it is for the energy of this planet. And so I pray. I pray for the Souls that have been lost, the Souls that are crossing, I pray for the Soul that are left to rebuild. I pray that humanity starts listening. She is angry and tired. Tired of being taken from without replenishing, without even gratitude. 
Being in Nepal and in the Himalayas makes you understand why humans have always believed in God- especially in Earth Mother. It is no wonder that this is the place that the ground shook so violently. A reminder of her presence. The Gods are not sleeping- they are alive with fury. The temples are crumbling because they are no longer serving the purpose they were built for- prayer with a side of free. Nothing is sacred anymore. We have a need to conquer and explain all that is, leaving none for the Soul to ponder. The world has lost its sense of magic and is being overrun with greed, anger, hatred. I don't know what to do about it beyond lighting candles and praying. Not yet at least. I've never had such a strong desire to become radical- to make my voice heard. But I too am angry. Angry that the beautiful people of Nepal have to pay for the mistakes and greed of humanity. I always felt content to sit back and do the best I can for those who are in front of me- but maybe it is time to step up and take the not-so-easy-route. Maybe it's time I do the best I can to remind people of the balance that this world used to live in, the peace that once was, the beauty all around."

When I woke up today, and lit my candles, I felt no better. I felt lost, like I didn't quite know where to go from here. I questioned everything I am, everything I have, everything I work for. The morning was lost. Once the afternoon rolled around I realized that I needed to go for a walk, so I chose one of my favorite, most sacred and peaceful placed. I walked with reverence and gratitude for everyone and everything that has ever touched my life. I walked with reverence and gratitude for the Earth that gives us everything and asks for so little in return, like any good mother does. While feeling this all so deeply I was reminded that it was ok for me to feel the pain that I felt, but in turning my pain into anger for the world we live in would benefit no one. Yes, I do not agree with so many practices that are in place right now that promote harm, but fighting hatred with hatred only creates a world of hate. You cannot stand in the name of Good with negative behavior. You cannot fight with love. "Be the light you wish you see in the world," came to mind. It is not my job to change or "fix" anyone, who am I to take on the role of the judge? That role is reserved for Karma. My job is to do the very best I can. No, I cannot change those around me, but I can be as kind, gentle, grateful, loving and compassionate as possible in an effort to help those around me become more kind, gentle, grateful, loving and compassionate as well. 

Although I am still lighting my candles, and will do so for the foreseeable future, I had released the anger and all other emotions that serve absolutely no purpose in this world. There is power in the light and I intend to use it.