Phakding: The End

Background on this entry: It was the last day of the trek, we had already technically left the Sagarmatha National Forest and tomorrow would be hiking back to Lukla to get our flight out. We had a great, relaxing day and as I lay in bed that night, looking through the window and up at the moon so many things had dawned upon me. I had had so many realizations and learned so many lessons of who I am and what I can do, but this went deeper. It was a small reminder that it doesn't matter what I am capable of, but that I have a vision and am willing to pursue regardless of what my mind tells me is or is not possible...

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Tonight as I lay in bed I was reminded of some thoughts and feelings that concerned me before I embarked upon this trip. I didn't know why I was going on this excursion, I just knew that I must go. This was unlike any other journey I've gone on and in general very unlike me. I follow my Soul, I do what I want, but similarly I am always calculated and know why I am doing anything and everything. This was a foreign concept to me, doing something for no reason other than "just because"... it felt very uncomfortable. What made me even more concerned was that I felt there was in fact a reason for this trip, I just didn't know what yet. I had a strong sense that the meaning behind the trip and its purpose in my life would become apparent at some point. This stressed the hell out of me- I like being in control. I have faith though and knew that all would be well and more imporantly it would be better if I simply submitted to the process. 

Well hindsight- as you've already read- this trip has been pivotal for me for so many things that I have learned about myself and what I can do. Upon looking back though I realize something equally as important: maybe the reason for this journey wasn't just to learn all of these lessons about myself, maybe it was to understand that I don't ever need a reason to do what I love, I just need to do it. Stop overthinking and just trust that if I have a vision to just pursue it, trusting that I have the ability to make it happen. 

There doesn't always need to be a lesson to be learned... that is just me overthinking, over analysing and my mind (and ego) needing an excuse to hold on to. My need to explain myself- have a justification, a calculation on what needs to be done and how it will benefit me- is very wise and has taken me very far with great success, but it has also limited me from seeing the endlessness of possibilities that are at my fingertips. I've been able to build my own career but haven't quite gone after my true dreams because I couldn't find the explanation for how it would all work. There was still a lingering fear of failure, that I didn't have what it took to do it, or that it wasn't the right opportunity for me. 

Maybe the lesson to learn is that I came on this trip with no idea of how I would make it through each day's hike, but I knew where I needed to end up each day, so I put one foot in front of the other and I did it. I had the intention, I had the ability, all I was lacking was the faith in myself that I would get there. So I learned that I can do anything, and now on this night as I lay in my bed dreaming of days past, I have learned to not think of everything that must be done but to just be is and do it.

Maybe it's time to follow my dreams for no other reason than, "just because." Hold my vision not knowing how to get there but trusting that if I put one foot in front of the other, keep my intention at heart every day, then slowly, slowly I will get there.